he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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