Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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