The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize