I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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