Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
