remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
