TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My vagina just clenched in fear
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
