I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
