Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We are all done wearing pants today
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize