I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Dignity is for republicans.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
