why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
