You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
