her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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