I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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