dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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