I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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