can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
