Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize