Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize