Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
