I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
