Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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