I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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