The maid of honor just puked.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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