Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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