My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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