im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I will be naked everywhere
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
