life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
porn star boner night. come get it.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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