ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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