omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
