It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize