get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize