oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
