I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize