Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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