you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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