the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
