My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
