i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
