there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
