Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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