how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
