you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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