AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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