i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
