everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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