Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
she woke up with a sticky ear
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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