Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
