So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
