Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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