Someone shit on the floor
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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