my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
