I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
we're so committed to being not committed
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
