I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
