After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
