youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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