honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
