And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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