There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
